Sunday, July 11, 2010

The Evolution of One Woman's Romantic Relationships as Mini Musical: Starry-eyed Youth to Midlife Wholeness

First, you step into the romantic stream and infatuation carries you away. He's saying you've got him "Going in Circles" by Luther Vandross. It's the same song you used to hear on the radio when you were nine recorded by "Friends of Distinction." You're also in circles over him, and so, you really want this love affair because it feels like what you think love should feel like based on movies, songs, and romance novels.

Wedding bells! You've gotten exactly what you thought you wanted. It's perfect. You're at the place of "He Is" by Heather Headley.

Time goes by, and you've moved past infatuation and the newlywed phase. Good news! You're still committed: Anita Baker's "Giving You the Best that I Got."

A few babies come. You're both working and your time for each other is limited. One day you look up and realize something's missing. You want to work it out, but he's not cooperating. He's put up a wall. Or maybe you don't really want to work it out for real because you may not want what you once thought you wanted. The only thing holding you together is not wanting to devastate the children, but after a while, the stress is too much for you, and you go there. You tell him "Go!" or maybe you pack and go. Whatever, your message to him is Laura Izibor with the final decision, "Don't Stay."

If you're both mature, the break up is painful but you don't back out. Now you're at ether "I will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor or "On My Own" by Patti LaBelle and Michael McDonald, depending on how the break-up went down.

You weep a bit. Nurse your wounds, and then it dawns on you that you are free! So, off you trot hot as "Life of the Party" by Prince!

WOW! Look at you. You're on fire. People keep trying to date you. Some even want to marry you. So, you take a break for awhile to reflect on your relationships. Is it possible you're heading toward the same flat life of settling that was your marriage? Some of these guys are not what you want at all. See Jill Scott's "Whenever You're Around." You sigh, "Been there, done that" and ask yourself, "What do I really want?"

Time is running out, people suggest. But you'd rather not be bothered at all than to deal with game playing and casual dating anymore. If you're going to have a relationship, then you want the whole meal, not just the chocolate chip cookie. That's you in "Come Right or Not at All" by Phyllis Hyman. You'd give your all to the right one, but damn it! Finding the right one takes more time and energy than you'd care to expend on something as unnecessary as a mate.

So, now you're 50 and to your surprise, men still knock on your door. You notice that sometimes you don't even bother to answer it because you're busy doing what you like and really don't care to be interrupted by what they like. Is it possible that you don't really want a relationship with all the required work after all? Maybe you never wanted that. Maybe you were just nudged in that direction because of a biological urge to procreate combined with media and societal messages to marry and produce a family. That's when it hits you. There is a perfect relationship for you after all at your age and for your temperament, some exclusivity without the chains, which means not walking down the aisle and saying "I do." It's "Live By Close, Visit Often" by K. T. Oslin. Ahh. It feels right. You understand now that you are the meal. A mate at your age would be a great chocolate chip cookie, especially if he brings his own milk, but if the cookie's not made to your liking, then abstaining works too.

One morning, you're stretching before your first cup of coffee, and what do you know? The phone rings. It's your "male" friend that you've been spending more time with, and you've got that warm fuzzy feeling you thought you'd never have again. Are you healed? Suddenly you know that you're really free to give someone what you never could before, the best of your love. You can do this because now you know yourself well enough to know exactly what your best love is. Go, Emotions!


Marvalus said...

This is perfect! You know, I have my own soundtrack of life...many of these songs are on it!

Can-Can said...

I love the format/ Using music to tell this life story shared by many women is clever. I love all of those songs (even if I get a tear in my eye when listening to the dear departed Luther and Phyllis).
My love journey is a little different because I did get married for the 2nd time at age 50.
I wouldn't change my choice and journey but I hear what you're saying. I'm going to forward this to some of my friends.

Pattie said...

Great Job. I appreciate the road to recovery and pleasantries. This is an encouragement of hope.

p.s. Can-Can forwarded this to me and I have forwarded it to others. Thanks for producing something worth forwarding.

Diva (in Demand) said...

I wish I could stand up and shout AMEN because this was really great.